dear human:

You’ve got it all wrong.. You didn’t come here to master personal perfection. You came here to learn Personal love. Spiritual love. Universal love. Messy love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love infused with divinity. Living through the grace of tumbling. Demonstrating through the beauty of messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be simply human, flawed and fabulous.  

 

mabel ryan

my sweet sweet girl,
You’re getting so big now & you’re making me so so proud.
Please know everything I do is for you, and I really do adore you, cause you are such a star.. and you know that you are.
So every single little moment that I cant be there to hold your hand..
I need for you to know that, I really need for you to know that if anything should happen, cause anything could happen..
Know that you’ll be alright, please know you’ll be alright
I promise I’ll be alright, I promise we’ll be alright.
Cause mommy really needs you and I would never ever leave you Cause I am in the stars, and everywhere you are.
& every single bit of sunshine just know that I am by your side, know that you’re by my side
I’m going to make you so proud, you won’t ever have to worry about me. No, you don’t ever have to worry about me.

Life is what you make it and anything could happen but you gotta get past it, you just gotta laugh at it.
You fall down, you get back up
You get knocked down, you get back up
Nothing in this life is ever holding you back.
I promise bug, everything is alright.
I promise I’ll be alright, I promise you’ll be alright, I promise we’ll be alright.

I don’t know how it is you feel so familiar to me, or why it feels less like I am getting to know you, but more as though I am remembering who you are..how everything brings me to the conclusion that I’ve known you before, love you before..in another time, different place, some other existence.

 

This vacation has been spiritually, mentally and emotionally challenging..leaving my special place called home was a little harder than I expected. When I was younger, coming and going never ever bothered me.. It actually kept me going and excited about life.

 Now my excitement lies in my family and my spiritual development..how I can be more awake than I was the moment before and this past year and a half I have gotten very comfortable in my little zen bubble for it became easy and well comfortable.. 

To be continued.. 

•still thinking, analyzing, daydreaming•

change

something I’m absolutely terrified of…yet something I crave on a moment-to-moment basis every single day

well yesterday morning, I woke up really struggling with it..so much that I simple grabbed my slippers and yoga mat & without knowing where I was headed, drove.. until I was sitting on top of a mountain on HWY 74 looking down at my little town of Palm Desert, CA.
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I then realised how small I really am and I lightly chuckled, got out my head phones, put on Willow Beats & just vibe’d out for the next hour…
I could ramble on/on about the changes that have rapidly bombarded our little life but that wouldn’t do anything but start a pity party and those are never flattering so I will be brief. Some of my big changes include:

  • being engaged, becoming a wife
  • ryan’s promotion
  • mabel turning 6 months ( i refuse )
  • house hunting
  • first family vacay to Texas; mabel’s first flight
  • wedding planning? ( a whole other embarrassing post of its own )
  • & trying to get to know my ‘new’ self while finding my old self at the same time

In that moment I noticed that I am just a spec/on a spec/on a spec and that my problems are even smaller than I am, which makes them petty and small. Not in a sense that they shouldn’t bring up certain emotions; good/bad, but that they aren’t life threatening and they won’t kill me.
& the best thing about that moment of realization was that it wasn’t forced.. I didn’t scold my mind for dwelling on the negative and picking at the positive & that’s what amazes me about the human mind/body. My body is here to take care of, protect, support and love ME, from the day my soul was born to the day my soul moves on. My mind is here to inspire, encourage and also protect ME & that, that is a beautiful fucking thing.
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#35mm #palmdesert

teething

We are currently teething over here & it is just an absolute mess!
We’re enjoying long, sleepless nights, a cranky baby, and lots, lots of drool. The first two days/nights were hard, sure; but the past two nights have been absolute torture for all involved, but mostly for my sweet Mabel..
I’m not one for any type of medicine in general, especially medicine for infants but I just couldn’t stand to see her so irritable and in pain, so I went on a hunt..
and that’s when I found HYLAND’S teething tablets aaand boom…she’s out
& it’s been nearly 2 hours!!!! Now, I clean this pig stye.. IMG_1161

holy cannoli, I’m engaged !

It took me way too long to write about this magical day but I just haven’t had a single moment to sit and digest everything that has happened since HE PROPOSED last Wednesday..
(still have to pinch myself after saying that:)))

poor guy, nothing and I mean nothing else could have possibly gone wrong for Ryan and his master plan.. from our car having to be towed, to my ring not being ready!!, to spelling on cake being wrong, to our uber getting lost, forgetting the baby bottles, lost his I.D and finally getting locked out of our suite at the wee hours of the morning..we finally just had to laugh it off and jump into our jacuzzi tub with our bottle of champ.
I can not wait to marry this man!

he proposed at our all-time favorite spot, The Ace Hotel- Palm Springs. I was not expecting it at all!! I mean I never had a set picture of what I thought my engagement would be like but I did always wish mabel would be a part of it and she was! She even accidentally got a little taste of some frosting… we were all laughing. Ryan and I, crying out of pure shock of what was happening in that very moment. We have always been a family, yes, even without a ring or ‘marriage’..but to come together to signify our eternal love and commitment of a LIFETIME ‘publicly’ for not only us but for our child(ren) as well, that is heavy..especially to be digested in what seems to be a mili-second in time.
After that question came out of his mouth..every single kind of emotion popped into my head/heart, but only one word YES YES YES. I must have screamed it a dozen times and jumped on that sweet man like no tomorrow!

I’ve personally never actually stayed there only to visit for the pool parties and what not, but that is now going to change because the stay was killer! I very rarely even wanted to leave the room.
It felt like home & I am so lucky that this place will always hold a piece of my family and heart.
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brit comes to the desert

yesterday, mabel and I had the pleasure of meeting up with my very dear friend brit, while she was staying at Palm Canyon Resort, Palm Springs for the night.
Brit & I have been close friends since the first day we met. (cheesey, I know)
Her company is always a treat and a breath of fresh air. She is not only intelligent and beautiful inside/out but she has this freedom about her that is totally intoxicating..
Never ever a dull moment, but today was super oober special because she was meeting my sweet mabel for the first time
& of course..mabel loved her
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IMG_0672IMG_0691Man, time can really fly.
It seems like only yesterday that we were little hooligans causing trouble on PCH and gas stations..IMG_0712IMG_0708IMG_0705